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Always Late to Ms. “You do like me, don’t you?” is what it sounds like. Ethelreda seems to think it would work. Exactly! It's not a dirty word! When did common courtesy die a death? In my promise to be a bit more shouty about things I’m up to, here’s a little something I’ve been working on over the last few months Blinkist, the app that creates short versions of bestselling non-fiction reads has launched Shortcasts, short versions of, yep, podcasts. I have a friend who was always late. Unfortunately, when I’m around very dominate, aggressive people – bullies – like my father, and they are targeting me directly, a switch is flipped. This is why HR is a problem I think, going to them against a senior person is often really a matter of last resort knowing that perhaps leaving is your only choice after that). There are folks out there who've committed actual crimes who've served far shorter sentences. I’ve spent too much time accommodating people who clearly don’t respect my time. I think I allowed my initial reaction to his lack of communication, the person who trained me’s opinion of him, and my issues cloud affect my judgement. Unfortunately that wasn’t enough for me to stop seeing him, but it was one of the most hurful things he could have done because it was intentional. But, my superiors couldn’t nail me for it because it was the nature of the work environment to be detained for important reasons. Instead your needs and feelings were treated as if they didn’t matter, as if you didn’t matter. He was just playing with me because here he is, calling me now!”. OH Gosh Calla, I recognise that and yes, it is called control and it just plain mean paltry behaviour… and manipulative. Time is one of the most valuable of our resources. I cringe when thinking about what I put u with. If he does NOT contact you within (at most) 2 weeks, then BLOCK HIM. about it. He tried to intimidate me when I first started. I later found out he’d been frequenting prostitutes regularly…..and I’m quite sure he wasn’t late for his “appointments” with them and probably late for our plans due to them! It didn’t seem harsh. In terms of time. They’re only human, of course, but don’t dismiss what you’ve experienced. She is engaged to a former athlete who was a super star and is now on TV. I have had simple time boundaries for ages. He scapegoated me. And when you can accept that you’re not perfect or capable of Jedi mind tricking the universe with your goodness, you can finally forgive yourself for not being perfect and be more you instead. You are the steward of your boundaries and bandwidth. How long will it take me to get there? If you think it’s rude, IT IS. You KNOW he is using you when he wants and this will never turn into a real loving relationship. I wouldn't bring a book or anything because I wouldn't anticipate someone being late, and if it was not too much time, I'd be fine just waiting. Apparently they could come up with 2 out of 3, but always had to “get back to me” to firm up the 3rd piece of the puzzle. I’ve always ‘known’ that I’ve had that, but hadn’t looked into it. Shows up late and acts likes it didn't even happen: losing major points. Not sure if I’m making sense. Usually he checks in, but I could be doing other things. I’ll be professional, but I’m not taking it lying down. If it's less than that, I'd wait. If it turns out they had a plausible emergency, they get one more try. Why didn’t I notice that for myself? This may sound a little OCD, but it was what I had to do to get to work on time and stay out of trouble. Years ago I subscribed to:   http://www.flylady.net/. You’ve gotta feel to heal. If the boss wants us there then it is wise for us to stay. You are trying yo blame other people for getting upset about you being late? But they always fall. Trust your gut. Let him marinate in his own juice and then you, exit stage left . I have always said it shows a complete lack of respect for anyone or anything on her part but now I understand why she does it. I am NOT impressed. One of my old favourites: When someone likes you and genuinely wants to be with you, they don't burn up their energies trying to resist you, plus they won't leave it ambiguous and run the risk of losing you. I think its important when people respond on this blog to not immediately jump to blaming the victim or implying that they are not doing something right and that is why the behavior is happening. And if you're not, you can do a free 7-day trial via the link in my bio. While your man may always be busy and have needs, be sure to address your needs in the relationship as well. Long live Natalie Lue, and everyone who uses this site. Then, for about a month, I slipped back into my “always 15 minutes late” mode, and ANXIETY returned. You feel alone and struggle with things for way longer than necessary. She wasn’t always late, but the times she was it was so outrageously tone-deaf. My question is, how can I get him to become more punctual? I distinctly recall a woman who was pursuing a friendship with me. Probably after 10 minutes if I hadn't heard anything. The truth was, I just couldn’t get it together, and didn’t understand the concept of wasting other people’s time. I could have punched him in his face! You haven’t offered any. This guy has crossed the line and I don’t deserve that. When we lose ourselves, and so we forget who we are and what matters to us, it's time to halt. I like this method because you start with a visualization of what you want to accomplish. They manage to accommodate for possible traffic, be responsible, and leave early enough to get to our appointed meeting place without any issues. But probably also just so desperate for your mum to come and pick you up that by the time she did come you were just so happy to see her? I think the point with lateness for me, where I take it offensively, is the context within which it occurs, and its frequency. I forget that my manager is another late person! So in terms of solutions; work on your anxiety. 30+ mins) or often late, then I'd be angry with them and would probably lose interest in maintaining the relationship. Also, it helps me with my anxiety because I can break the steps down, and prioritize better. I think it’s rude that he didn’t call me back to confirm and make plans. I made my routine and stuck to it, even if I didn’t want to. I never called him for plans, I felt since he was the married one he had a better grasp on when he could make himself available…so I was confused by his making plans and standing me up, until I caught on that it was a game with him. He did not have the ABILITY to motivate himself. Instead of helping you discover why you were late, she took it personally. Now, not every guy is waiting for his Jessica Alba, but there might be a gal he has been waiting for. That way, he doesn’t get his hopes up and expect a second date. Of course I realize this is not my family. Calla, you are doing some MAJOR projection. I was raised by a woman who was habitually late. Who wouldn’t find a way to get there by noon? I do remember that my gut feeling as a result of this, was that she was inexperienced/focusing on things not important or happening – and I didn’t act on it because at the time I felt there was no other alternative – so no I didn’t want to be vulnerable with this person in reality and it may have been some form of unconscious control because I didn’t trust her? I won't be scheduling future dates with this person because they obviously don't value my time. What this post has done is help me to see her point of view. Good luck Veracity…. Go relax on the beach…something…anything. It's not that we have to jump ship, forget our goals or blame the other person, but what we need to do is notice the way that we’re going about things. There, guys sounded off on how they text. You have the most important person around right now that you need to LOVE- YOURSELF. OR wait-and-see: If he does contact you, then YOU get back to HIM a week later, saying, “Thank you, but I’m busy right now.” DON’T explain why you are busy. Calla, ignoring a complete jerk is NOT rude. I am very professional and usually hold my ground. You didn’t/don’t deserve that. I guess my overall strategy tends to be – no overt complaining, no telling people not to do this or that (unless of course its criminal or threatening your physical safety). Now, I am alone. You know like when we keep finding ourselves in repeat situations or the problem we’ve hoped will go away without us having to assert ourselves snowballs and becomes acutely uncomfortable. You’re situation is really tough, and it is not your fault. Regardless of his feelings (which I think I am totally inflating in my head) he was a complete dick to me before and is being a complete dick to me now. This post got me thinking about what would happen if, instead of making excuses and managing down expectations, EUs told the truth. It was his way of making sure I would not abandon him. It sounds like you are being very hard on yourself. It might even have become a coping mechanism for dealing with an environment with little or no time boundaries. Fortunately I do not have an habitual late problem as you describe, but that is how it has been perceived by people who judged me based on evidence that was not taking into consideration all the facts – as I said before – I was late once – in 18 months for my ex who basically jumped on me in an verbally abusive manner in public – a man who didn’t need an excuse to do this to me anyway – and I was late by 5 minutes – no more – after a cross country walk of over 1 hour to get to the place he was cosily sitting already. Same with friends. It’s these assumptions and judgments that stop us from humanising ourselves and others. 10.At least you were honest about what you wanted and how you felt – I couldn’t even do that much. So what I’m saying is instead of going to your boss to complain about this guy, go and ‘complain’ about other things, things you’ve solved etc., which is a subtle way to also show case your work, suck up etc. In my career (any career really) the fastest way to get nowhere is to disrespect people’s time and being late is the most blatant way. So I started my mantra out loud again “Early is on time, on time is late, and late is unacceptable”. If you read my post again you’ll see that I am trying to be fully accountable for my actions and make positive changes to benefit myself and those around me. “…if their life is a disaster, they never get out the door in time.” Yes. He was a TOTAL people pleaser too. It doesn’t really affect me, as in being late, but I sense a connection. For anyone who struggles with time management and staying organized, I suggest a visit to her website. If it takes 20 minutes, then I have to leave home by 7:25. Don’t bring up the family too much as it is too soon to take an interest in the family. You should not have sent that note. What did he do? I happen to hate texting, especially small talk. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. He has all the answers and wants to date a girl who will just nod her head and smile. Some were obvious ridiculous lies. I appreciate your input and patience with the long-winded post. Habitually late people have an element of passive aggression in there and some will have people pleasing in there too. (This post really has got me thinking). it depends on how late he is, if hes more than 15 minutes late, and he doesnt have a valid reason (like traffic or helping someone or something along those lines) then it shows that hes not very punctual and is probably a bad planner and will be consistently late. I live in a shitty city for traffic. Five guys, ages 20 – 30, opened up about what goes through their minds before they hit send. And it makes sense because I was raised this way. It’s all about control. Someones lateness is not my personal issue to deal with – it is theirs. Day in and day out. I only shortchange myself. I hedge bets a bit more. Luckily, it was in a place with a lot of interesting people and I got to people watch and clean up my email. What we do or we don’t accept in terms of our own timekeeping and that of others, is personal, so what’s OK for one person or a particular relationship isn’t going to work for another. And refuse to discuss it with them. It was my Mom’s passive-aggressive way of getting back at Dad for all of his childish behavior. The sex was bad: I wasn’t that into her in the first place and on the second date we were about do the nasty and she jerked my dick so hard that it hurt for like a week. I think it is a combination of a presence of anxiety in my life and inability/disliking context switching. You might feel that if you can make it on time to things, that other should be able to do the same. It’s not that things don’t happen and that none of us can ever be late but how we typically treat time does say a lot about how much we respect other people’s time as well as our own. But there are times when you have to start documenting things and know when to quit, file a formal complaint etc. I’ve remained NC with him for almost four months, and he’s not once tried to phone/txt/ email which has been painful but helpful in the long run. You’re absolutely right, April Showers!! I’ve always been late for everything and often extremely late (more than 30 minutes). Some people observed other tardy folk and it became learned behaviour. I am very busy working full time and getting may masters degree, and I met a guy who was generally last minute unless I planned ahead on a Sunday or during the week which he would follow (granted this is not an important Friday or Saturday night, no not enough to prove he’s worth my time). Him needing me to wake him up was about multiple things. Thankfully, you get life experiences and lessons from good ole Professor Life that show you what you couldn't see before. It’s your responsibility to do do, for yourself and others. But he keeps texting me periodically (every few months when I was in another relationship) but then he doesn’t follow through to get together. If that isn’t an aggressive form of control, I don’t know what is – he IS saying submit to all my needs or else and that is really an unacceptable place to be for any employee, especially if you can’t trust him to start with. I sort of forgot how much that all hurt because I hadn’t seen him for a long time. Press J to jump to the feed. He has a much thicker skin than me, this stuff doesn’t faze him (much like what Suki described-he finds it amusing). 3 He Allows The Conversation To Die Cookies help us deliver our Services. Reader Question: What does it mean when a man says ‘I can’t give you want you want’? If it happens once and they tell me, i don't care. Something has caused us to become disconnected. Since they drove together to work, she was always late. He also sees you as someone he'd casually date instead of be serious about because it means he doesn't have to do too much work. While no man should always be expected to plan five-star dates, at the same time, the romance shouldn't just completely fall off a cliff at once. Have you ever traveled by the train or a plane? Then I reached adulthood and found myself showing up late for everything just like Mom. When you think about some of the things you're still hard on you about and that shape what you allow you to be, do and have or what you avoid, it's like you've been serving a lifetime sentence. Unfortunately the best recourse is often to find another job. And his actions and words never match up. Um, *Why* Are You Telling Me This? If anything, you’re shorting yourself the 18 minutes. On our discussion boards, a member named killerman has run into a situation where girls are changing date times last minute, or otherwise being late for a date. So those things you’ve given you a hard time about and blamed it on being not ‘good enough’ are not the fault of your worth. I have stood up for myself and been calm, cool and collected throughout our entire relationship and I think he can’t stand it. I LIKE organized, but I sabotage. I am slowly now dealing with sorting out the backlash that came, after I lost the ex therapist, from others connected, when they saw I was unsupported! 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